My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
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The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
congratulations to them
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?