@KentWGraham: Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
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@mattgallo123: "Don't be shy!" -people who don't understand how genetically determined character traits work
@Godhatespants: Him: drink? Me: I have a boyfriend Him: I have a goldfish Me: What??? Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don't matter
@WhaJoTalkinBout: [restaurant] me: may I clear your plates? customer: thanks me: *sits down to finish their fries*
@SteveSuckington: Van Gogh's girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear Him: cuts ear off Her: I just wanted u to listen to me Him: nah, I'm good