Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
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Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza