@KentWGraham: Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
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@gitson_shiggles: Me: "I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose." GF: "That's a cabbage....." Me: "YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE."
@KKBowls: I just saw a spider on the wall, I went to hit it -- it just fell and ran away. I was all, 'Oh my God, he knows what I look like.'
@sarcasticmommy4: I'm not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they'd still ask me for a snack.