Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
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I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Wait for it
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.