Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
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Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Tough love is true love
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here