@chadopitz: Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
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@DrDogMD: CAT: Can u check my blood pressure? DR DOG: *places cuff around cat's neck* Sure CAT: Shouldnt that go on m- DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
@DoritosOverHoes: "YOUR 15" is trending worldwide instead of "YOU'RE 15" and that's why we haven't found a cure for cancer yet.
@hyperblastchic: Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot! Priest: This is communion... M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr- P: Leave.
@NotthatAdamWest: On this day in 1969, the 1st episode of Scooby Doo appeared on TV, beginning a golden age of teenagers getting high in the back of vans.