Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
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Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
I really had high hopes for this year though
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.