@chadopitz: Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
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@sickipediabot: "If you have any questions, just ask. My door is always open." said the boss at my new job. "Why do you need a door then?" I asked him.
@zombieparrot: Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
@rickolantern: Went to my niece's elementary school field day last week. I won every single event. Every. Single. Event.
@AndrewChamings: [at funeral parlor with bereaved girlfriend] HER: You think these glass urns are a good idea? ME: Remains to be seen.