Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
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INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
when you are just born a rebel
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then