Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
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My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Am getting real tired of your crap…
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.