Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
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Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine