Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
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I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.