TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
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When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
then why did i get this email
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.