Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
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Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.