Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
You Might Also Like
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
“I’m helping” 😅
is this a threat
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.