Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
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Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Always leave them wanting their money back.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.