Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*