@ahamedweinberg: Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don't wanna walk around doing grave math.
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@david8hughes: [at the gun store] Me: I'll take that gun & a box of ammo Clerk: that'll be $250 Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
@librarianfonz: Growing up in a household dominated by females, you learn: 1. The importance of listening 2. 101 euphemisms for "the monthly visitor"
@Brampersandon_:  ALIEN: take me to ur leader ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump* ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where's ur real leader