Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
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The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
*me flirting
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.