Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
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<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
I’m not wrong
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
If a snake ate a cake
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules