Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
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[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments