@primawesome: Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
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@Tommytoughstuff: [the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week] ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I'm not dead!
@jergarl: Romantic comedies are just horror movies where people only die on the inside. Also, my wife doesn't let me pick movies for date night.
@Brianhopecomedy: Brought my 5 year old to the tax office to ensure that the accountant works as quickly as possible.