Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
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My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
All excellent questions