Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
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[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.