Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
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“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
I cannot call her anything else now
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*