Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
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*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.