Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
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*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
How animals would run if they were human
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
I’m giving up for Lent.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?