I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
You Might Also Like
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.