Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
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And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
I’m giving up for Lent.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism