Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
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three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”