@mattZillaaaa: Tomorrow is my company's office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
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@TheBoydP: The guy who first said "hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil" was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
@DrDogMD: NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day! DR DOG: You're joking, right?
@FatherWithTwins: My 6yo wouldn't eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I...I just...I'm gonna need a min here.
@KatieBurnett: I've just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented "rip". Stop the internet, I wanna get off