Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
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Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
what’s the point then??
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Squirrels before girls.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible