Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
You Might Also Like
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
podcasts
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
bugs when you lift up a rock
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back