Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
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Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad