Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
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I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
What about a To-Don’t List?
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
😬
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change