Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
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[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.