Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
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Well there goes my Wednesday night.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.