Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
You Might Also Like
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
no one likes gloating
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.