Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
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(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
getting old is fun
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.