@SortaBad: tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
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@fanofhell: guy: hey that's a great truck. what kinda engine? me: [rubbing the hood] it's got a truck engine
@mean_crow: "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!" said mommy bear. "Who hasn't" muttered daddy bear. "What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!"
@AristotlesNZ: Hey! I took my diaper off, see? Oh! Look! I found your power drill! Gonna go see if it fits an outlet.. Bye! -My 2yo when I'm on the toilet
@AlexvanBeek: When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.