Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
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Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.