@Smooheed: Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
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@Book_Krazy: *In the elevator* Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down? Me: No. We're just friends Guy: ....
@SondraDeeMe: I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono. At my age I think I should have surround sound.
@BobbyAwful: I don't pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald's sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
@vineyille: "Food expiration dates are lies. It's all about control." My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. "I'm saving this for later."