*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
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My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
definitely did not do anything wrong
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night