Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
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The news is so predictable nowadays
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.