TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
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Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Breaking news:
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
A wise man once said nothing.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to