Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
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Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…