@WheelTod: Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said "Care to make this interesting?" And I said "Sure. For years I've been secretly in love with you"
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@1Happytwit: I'm not a mechanic so I don't know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
@GashleyMadison: "For a really awkward time, call me." -me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
@chris_witha_see: Mom, your tweets are mostly outdated pop culture references "yeah and I woulda gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling kids"
@MariyaAlexander: Swimming is my favorite recreational activity that's also a desperate attempt not to die