ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
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My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves