THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
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Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
January has been Januweary
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”