Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
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a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt