Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
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BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
I am HOWLING at this
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Big Sex has us all fooled
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.