Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
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I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
When someone says you are so lazy
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
#SuperBowl
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.