@HonestToddler: Tonight's bedtime story was about three pigs struggling with repeat home invasions. Thanks for the new fear.
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@panmidwest: DR.: you're going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready? ME: yes DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
@Reverend_Scott: [5 min into first date] Her: I have a pug named Piglet- Me: [motioning waiter for check] I'd like to go meet him rn
@FlyJ_: I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would've been an embarrassing obituary.
@JustDontBugMe: MIL: You're going to give me a heart attack someday! M: Last time I checked you didn't even have a heart.