A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
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Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.