Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
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For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.