Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
You Might Also Like
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?