I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
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FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me