Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
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Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*