@BEEAAARR: Too bad Anne Frank never saw Home Alone. Could have been a serious game changer in my opinion.
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@UncleDuke1969: [mall] Wife: Wait here. Me: Okay. Wife: Hold my purse. Me: Yes, ma'am. *looks in purse* *waves at testicles* Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
@hippieswordfish: robber 1: *puts ski mask on head* you grab the money while i kiss all the bankers robber 2: huh? robber 1: uh i meant kill *hides lipstick*
@JennyJohnsonHi5: Kim Kardashian's birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It's almost like it was made for TV! Wait....
@senderblock23: BAE: come over ME: we live together im sitting right here BAE: my parents arent home ME: what is wrong with you