birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
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My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.