Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
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I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.